Are you gonna eat that?

Gone are the days of 6th grade when my lady friends and I congregated in Marge's bright yellow kitchen and ate turkey sandwiches with American cheese on bagels, Doritos, Guzzlers, and Coke for an after school snack (you know, just a little sometime to tide us over before dinner). These days there seem to be a lot of food rules. They're not new, but the all this food philosophy floats around my head and makes it damn complicated to eat an innocent snack.

The Paleo diet, which I know little about, is endorsed by Crossfit. And we all know I have a crush on Crossfit, but their food philosophy seems ridiculously restrictive (and probably downright unhealthy for a pregnant lady, although I know some preginis follow it). The foundation of the Paleo lifestyle is: Eat Like a Cave(wo)man. Eat meat, and lots of it. Consider investing in a meat freezer to store your large quantities of organic, free range beef, pork, duck, chicken, veal, venison, and rooster. Take out a second mortgage on your home to fund your meat consumption. Eat fish, vegetables, eggs, and some fruits. Avoid sugar, dairy, and wheat at all costs. And don't eat the bun. Don't even think about eating the bun. While you're at it, reduce caffeine and alcohol.

Okay, so there's one diet that I'm not even gonna attempt. Where does my nightly Skinny Cow fit into that regimen? Maybe the food rules that Michael Pollan lays out for the obese American population are a little more lenient. The much-hyped author's philosophy is: If it grows on a plant, eat it. If it was made in a plant, don't. I like some of his advice, such as: Cook. I can do that. I even enjoy it...especially in my slow cooker! Also, shop the perimeter of the food aisle and don't eat foods that are advertised. Again, avoid sugar like the Dickens. But I can't get down with his "S rule": no snacks, seconds, or sweets unless it's on a day beginning with S. Skinny Cow consumption does not happen twice a week!

Here's a food rule grey area: nuts. Nuts are good (Paleo). Except when they're bad (Weight Watchers). Juice (tastes delicious!) but its sugar content is on par with candy. Lunch meat is high in protein, low in fat, but is full of nitrates, nitrites, and sodium.

These days I'm subject to the pregnant lady food rules as well: no uncooked sushi (whassup eel rolls), no soft cheese (goodbye brie), nuked lunch meats (sort of negates the concept of "cold cuts"), limited caffeine and no booze (except on days that begin with F and are after your first tri-mester).

Okay so the last one is my own rule, but so what. My philosophy is: Avoid Doritos whenever possible (curse you, Super Bowl!). Eat fruit, vegetables, eggs, and lean meat often. The fewer ingredients, the better. Cook. Eat a bagel, but only in NYC.