Working Mom's Lament

I'm going to say what I've been thinking for a while now: I don't want to work full-time. I have always been a worker, starting with canvassing Ledgewood Road for babysitting gigs as a tween, then serving meals at the Holy Family Monastery, then slinging coffees and jelly donuts at the Elmwood Bakery. I worked while in high school and throughout college, and secured a full-time job right out of school, and have been employed pretty much ever since.

I pride myself on being a dedicated, creative, and goal-oriented employee (except while working jobs that were so deadly boring that I wrote short stories and long emails while on the clock). I hustled my buns off to get a job here in CT, doing long-distance informational interviews, real interviews, and I even hit the pavement once or twice with my portfolio and good attitude all polished up.

But something got me in the way of going to get 'em, and she's about 25 lbs of pure toddler. It's not that I don't want to work at all. I really do enjoy making coffee and getting dressed, and having a clear purpose to my day. I like socializing with colleagues, throwing new ideas into the mix, and trying to squeeze in a work-out at lunch (too rare these days, if I'm honest). But I miss my girl, and feel that our time together during the week is rushed (mornings) or a cling-fest while she vies for my attention, as I try to make some reasonably satisfying dinner (evenings). Weekends are good, but we are also seeing friends and family, doing yard work (sometimes), and before you know it, getting ready for the week ahead.

Many working moms will agree: it's hard to feel that you're good at either job.

I want to watch her grow and reason and learn how to interact. The closest I got to this recently is our time together while on vacation this summer. She was about 75% less whiny because she wasn't threatened by the thought of me leaving. It was amazing, and I wish I could've bottled it. Furthermore, most parents will confirm, this era goes by fast.

I know Edie is happy at her day care. But I want to have more influence over her, and to do the things we did while in Seattle, like bake banana bread or go on a long walk on a Tuesday afternoon. On the flip side, I don't want to be a full-time stay at home mom. I don't think I'd be fully satisfied with that lifestyle. But the gears are turning, and have been for some time, on how to pay the bills and spend more time with my girl, while keeping a foot in the workforce.

Perhaps I painted myself into a corner when we bought a house, and a second car, and we secured all those expenses that go with modern day home-ownership. But I love our home and our neighborhood, and believe we made the right move. Of the moms I know who are raising young kids, there are many common themes. Those of us working full-time (especially those with more than one in daycare) pretty much sign our paychecks over in tuition, and those with one on the way are in denial about what to do when maternity leave ends. Those who stay home are prepared to eat Ramen three times a week to balance the budget of a single income. And a few of my girlfriends have amazing jobs and bosses, and they are more or less happy working and have found the right balance. My hat goes off to them, for sure.

I look at my dad or my uncles who are very talented workers, who run their own businesses and call the shots. I envy their freedom and authority, and wonder how I can establish a sustainable business of my own. I have lots of great ideas and I do have talent, but I can get distracted, or just overwhelmed by the demands of day-to-day, and my great ideas fall aside.

It's a puzzle I try to solve every day.